Hazy Glaze of Mothering
I was chatting with my sister-in-law a few days ago who has a beautiful one week old baby boy. We got on the topic of baby blues, and she wondered how she would know if she needed to ask for help.
Full disclosure: she’s doing great, and has a wonderful support system - but I want to make it clear that no matter how much support you have, if you can’t identify the overwhelming feelings inside, it’s time to talk to someone.
After Lochlan, I struggled.
After the twins, I struggled again. I did zero research into having a baby after loss, my entire twin pregnancy I focused only on the happiness of having healthy babies.
When they arrived, I was so happy. And then I wasn’t.
I cried all the time. My body would shake when Andrew left for work, I stayed at home because feeding two babies in public was terrifying to me. I sank, and I didn’t register for even a second that I had Post Partum Depression. I though I was parenting through grief, I thought this was life with two babies, I though I was supposed to say I was happy now because these babies were alive.
The hole I survived in for almost a year was murky & deep, it was lonely and it was terrifying. I was so happy to have my twins, and so deeply, deeply sad.
Before Woodford came, I did everything I could to set up support systems; lactation consultants, therapists & medication... just in case I felt that slip downwards. I was completely prepared to feel despair again, I was ready for it.
He arrived. He conquered. The weight of Woods settled me. I felt a door close on my darkness, and I felt a calm that I didn’t know I had been
The hazy glaze of mothering through PPD still sits with me. It’s impossible to say how I really feel without rambling on forever, but maybe, if I talk about it now, one of you will notice that you can’t reconcile the wave of emotions inside you. You will flag that feeling you can’t name and start to ask for help.
I’m not sure our path will ever be clear, mothering is a blurry mess of emotions - but mama, some emotions are not OK to go unchecked. Here is your reminder to check in on your your friends, even the really strong ones.
Especially the really strong ones