Back to nights alone with these three while Daddy is working at the restaurant, and it’s a familiar hustle doing dinner & bedtime on my own. This is what we did from week 2 with the twins, just me and them.
But this time... I don’t have crippling anxiety when Andrew walks out the door, I don’t start to sweat at the thought of crying kids and managing emotions. This time, the chaos & the yelling & the crying & the laughing all become one happy buzz in the background, as I muddle something for dinner together in the kitchen and sweep the floor afterwards. I can negotiate bath time with play time, and not want to hide in a corner and call for help.
If you haven’t felt the crippling effects of Post Partum Depression I am thrilled for you. 
The fear and isolation you feel right down to your bones is just terrible... I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
It’s true, I have some trauma in my past that makes my heart a little more delicate - having twins after loss was like throwing lighter fluid on the burning fire of stress + anxiety I already attributed to Motherhood. A lot of people ask how I took care of twins in those early days, and my answer is always - I cried a lot.
And it’s the truth, those first two years with the twins I battled my demons and lost more times than I can’t count. But I found a rhythm and I found a way to survive.
This time round, with these three I’ve found medicine helps me best. When I felt the spiral of darkness closing in I made the decision to try a medication, and it was the best thing I could have done. My tattered heart needs a little help these days, and I’m a-ok with that.
Cut yourself some slack and soften up that inner dialogue.
If you need a break, reach out & ask for it.
If you need to talk to someone, please pick up that phone.
If you think you need some help balancing out the crazy amount of hormones running through your body, don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor.
I’m not pushing medicine for everyone... but I’m definitely saying it’s ok if you need it.
And you... ya, you. If you’re reading this and thinking “how did she know I was scared to talk about this?”
I’m here for you. I promise. This isn’t an empty one way space. Reach out to me , and let’s chat.